Xilkoi

Excitement!

2009-10-30T20:05:48Z

I just got a new phone yesterday. I love it, it's the MyTouch by Google. it also means that I will probably be able to update this even more. If you want my new number, let me know! You should add me on Facebook!

Yay for updates!

2009-08-27T19:09:17Z

So, it looks like I haven't posted a journal entry since way back in Spring Term. Mostly the stuff that concerns me is what is happening educationally, so I'll cover that, and then something just for fun at the end. Since there is a lot of stuff, you'll have to continue after the cut, if you are reading this in the friends' list view.

Mondo is enrolled in school
It took a little pushing on my end to get him to do it, but he is enrolled and ready for Fall Term. It's really exciting because I think his overall mood has changed for the better. In the past couple of months, it was quite easy to get down: we (the entire apartment) were really struggling financially. Mondo is eligible for quite a bit of grant money that will give us enough for school, rent & bills, and even some extra for him to pick up either a laptop or a netbook. I'm also glad that he picked a major that I think he will enjoy: sociology. He is planning on becoming a gay youth counselor. After his first two years at MHCC, he is going to transfer to PSU to get his masters degree in sociology, and to minor in gay and queer studies. A good combo, I'd say!

My own educational future
I think I've mentioned it in the past, but I am planning on becoming a physician researcher. Basically, that means that I would like to get both my MD and then a Ph.D in biological research. Not sure exactly what I want to focus in for research, but I will make that decision later on. One step at a time.
At MHCC, I am currently majoring in "Pre-professional." Honestly, it is their biology program with a new name (the degree requirements are exactly the same). I am pretty sure that I am going to end up double majoring in biology and philosophy, by the end of my stay at MHCC. In the end, that would mean I would get an associates of science (AS) and an associate of arts Oregon transfer degree (AAOT). The reason for my biology major is obvious, but I am planning on majoring in philosophy for one main reason: philosophy majors do better on the GREs. The GREs are the graduate student's (someone going for a masters or Ph.D) SATs. The philosophy department head showed us statistics that really drove that idea home. Oh, and I really love philosophy so far, from the little I've experienced.
My ultimate goal is to get into OHSU's MD/Ph.D program, but I want to keep my options open. If I don't get accepted to OHSU after I get my associate's degrees to continue my undergratude's study, then I will likely transfer to PSU. If I do that, I will more than likely double major in biology and philosohy, with a minor in Spanish. I fully intend on travelling to Spain, and at least studying there for a term someday, and so I want to make sure I am at least bilingual.
To be honest, I think I might go to PSU straight away after MHCC, to get my bachelor degrees. The main reason is because I would be able to get better deverisfy my education: which is something OHSU really wants to be able to even apply. I'm also not even sure if they have an undergraduate program (I'm planning on doing research into that at some point). Additionally, I seriously doubt they have a philosophy program, though they may offer a Spanish program (I think it is more likely that they would instead just offer dual enrollment to another school that does have those programs). Oh, and PSU works closely with OHSU to meet their requirements.
So, in the end, I think to finish off my undergraduate study, I am going to end up going to PSU. I've toured the campus and done some research into them, and I love the school. I think that I will get exactly what OHSU is looking for at Portland State.

The next WoW expansion was announced: Cataclysm
I don't currently play WoW, mostly because I can't afford it (that'll change in the fall), but the 11 million+ users seem to have something going for them. The current expansion is pretty good, and the game is only poised to get better:

It looks really good to me, but as a Horde player, I am a little jealous of the Alliance for getting the Worgen. I have to admit, though, the addition of the Goblins make sense: the little green merchants were previously allied with the Horde prior to the events of WoW. They left to make money from both sides; and came back to the good side, heh. What I am really happy about, though, is that Blizzard is able to take their old content and update it. That's something I haven't seen in the other MMOs I've played. It's just another reason everything Blizzard touches turns into gold.

I suppose that is everything, for now!

I've got my optimism back

2009-04-23T18:14:58Z

I really feel like life is on the up, lately. I've been a lot more energetic, in general, more social, and less bored (not to mention the largely increased libedo)! College takes up a good chunk of my time, but I still have regular engagements (D&D) during the week, and I have regularly been spending time with Christina on the weekends.

I don't know if I've told you how our financial situation had been going. Mondo lost his job back in December because he wasn't able to perform as well as normal on account of an on-the-job injury. That's messed up, right? Well, we've been surviving. For I think a month afterward, he continued to get Workmen's Compensation, until his doctor released him (in my opinion prematurely) back to work. With the economy the way it is, it's been impossible to find a job, let alone even land an interview. We really had to scrap along for awhile, even going a couple days at a time with virtually no food.

This past month Dave and Mondo have both qualified for foodstamps, and because they qualified for an emergent need, they got it right away. It was nice to have food in the cupboards, again.

Of course, foodstamps doesn't keep the lights on. PGE had sent us a dire warning; our electricity was going to get shut off on the 29th of this Month. Everything in our apartment is electrically powered, so that would be a truely aweful thing. But, of course, there are other bills, too. Our cable/internet is currently off because of an overdue bill. It sucks, but we can live without it. Especially since I can "borrow" internet from an unsecured wireless connection, of which, my computer is positioned so that it has 100% signal strength most times. Yay WiFi!

But things are on the up. My student loans are coming in soon, and with that, I will be able to help with rent and a bill. Additionally, Mondo is on his way to becoming a private contracter massage therapist for a Wellness Center in Gresham -- which has been a dream of his. He will be working three days a week, and with a minimum of two clients a day getting the standard hour long service at $60.00 each (very inexpensive for the industry), he will make about 1,500 gross pay. We calculated, after tax and expenses (both business and personal), he will have about 300 dollars left. And that's just 2 person minimum, not accounting for tips.
He does not, however, have a clientel at this time. If he were to find their numbers, he could get two clients that have promised to follow him, and recieve service on a regular basis. It was very unsettling for him, and certainly understandable.
Except that one of the doctors that works at this place (she may be the owner, I'm not sure), wants a massage therapist without a clientel to be able to refer to. The other two massage therapists do not generally accept walk ins and referals because they are usually booked out several weeks. Additionally, Mondo will be the only massage therapist available on the weekends. Still more, there are several martial arts studios in the area, and in the past, Mondo has noticed it is a key demographic that is recurring. Mondo specializes in sports massage, and has a passion for it.

Now if only I could find a job, and balance that with school. I'm tired of not having any money. I want to start saving up an emergency fund, a "Christina and Chris' Matching Tattoo" Fund, a I-Need-New-Clothes-Bad Fund, the "An Xbox and Wii would be Fantastic" Fund, and of course, the I-Want-To-Go-To-Vegas-For-My-21st Fund. The last two would be aided by Mondo, more than likely, as he wants to do the same thing. And I'm also 90% sure he is going to start a seperate emergency fund, as well. It was discussed at one point that he had attempted the same thing in the past, but a former roommate of his always managed to overdraw his account, putting into jeopardy their rent.

To be honest, I am really scared of messing up what I have by getting a job. I don't want to unbalance things, and cause the whole thing to come toppling down. But at the same time, I am tired of not being able do everthing I want. A large majority of my friends have cars, and laptops, and regular social contacts. They get good grades, and seem to be enjoying life exactly as it is.
I want that. I want to be able to do everthing that I want to do. I don't want to feel limited by restrictions that I have put on myself subconsciously all throughout my High School Career, the flop that it was. I've started to turn it around: I know for sure that I've got an "A" in four out of my five classes. The last one, Writing, I am confident that I have at least a high "B", though to be honest, I'm not sure (it's my least favorite class).

But more-so than anything else, I want to show my roommates that I am not just using them, namely Mondo. I'm sure I've been expensive these last months that I've lived with them (7 or 8 I think). I've helped out where I could; with my taxes and some contributions from my parents, but I still feel indebted to them.

And still, overall, I actually feel like I can breathe. I actually am starting to feel like an adult, and I've been more responsible than I have been in the past. I don't want that to stop, I want these feelings to keep growing, and I want to continue the (using the terms from my "College Success," the class I thought was really silly at first, but has helped greatly) Creator mentality. I know that I can shape my future. Circumstances may not change, but you can certainly change their effects.

I want to be a doctor. I want to be able to do great things for this world. I want to be a role model, or an example for people. I want it all, and I think I can do it.

Woot, College!

2009-03-31T20:03:10Z

Alrighty, I'm excited! So far, so very good in the recent college endeavor. I've met all of my instructors, and I like them. Especially my English literature and Psychology teachers. They definitely feel fun, and charismatic, so I think I will enjoy lecture times.

I'm trying not to judge my entire college experience on my first week. I seriously doubt it'll be this easy over-all, but so far, so good. The only thing I am worried about is Math. I think once I get over the refresher stuff, then I'm not going to be challenged, at all. The stuff we are refreshing right now; I remember doing them in eighth grade. Other than that, it's been pretty enjoyable, and fairly engaging.

I'm seriously considering some sort of club or arrangement. I've considered Student Government; the free six or twelve credits would be amazing to have, though my chances seem slim. Irregardless, if I do manage to get it, it should look pretty good on a resume.

I'm liking my schedule. With the exception of Wednesday and Friday, I have a two hour lunch break everyday. This is really good, especially because it allows me to recharge, eat, and switch out my books so I don't have to carry them all. With regards to Wednesday and Friday, the only major difference is that the lunch is half as long on the hump of the week, and Friday, I only have one class: Math.

My major, if I haven't already told you, is pre-medical. I want to get into medical research someday, though I haven't focused enough on what field of medical research that I'd like.

I'm very happy to finally be back in school. It certainly took me long enough. I was starting to think that I would just end up, get a job I'm unhappy with, and work until I die. I'm hoping that, now that I'm in college, I can start down a different, better route. I'm hoping for a life that is comfortable, and happy. Three cheers for a happy life!

Thank God for Britney and Madonna

2009-01-20T05:28:14Z

As if anybody cares, but hey everybody!

The subject is a reference to "Me Against the Music" by, guess who?

Oh my God, I hate the economy. I don't know how many jobs I've applied to lately. It's so hard to find one. If anybody actually reads this, and you happen to know of an opening out in the Gresham area, let me know.

MHCC took forever with my financial aid, but I'll for sure be able to start in the spring. I want to go to school so damn bad.

Well, I dunno what to say. I suppose that's it.

Here's to the future: May it be bright, and full of opportunity

2008-11-08T00:55:33Z

Just finished filling out the financial aid for MHCC. Took me awhile because of the current situation with Kevin.

He's been very violent again. Horribly so. Stabbed my door, after standing out side of my room for nearly an hour because he thought I did something that I didn't. I'm to the point where I won't be around him anymore. He thinks he's the alpha-male. Like he can do anything that he wants with no negative side-effects. He's a high school drop out that lives in his parents house playing video games all day, surfing conspiracy theory forums, coming out of his dark little dungeon only to eat and bitch at my mom because he was medicated as a child. His sense of reality is so warped that when things don't go exactly as he wants it; it's like the whole world is out to get him. He's paranoid, and in my opinion, he is bi-polar, as well. He needs to institutionalized, and I just hope he doesn't do anything to my parents.

I'm excited that Obama was elected our next president. He's a very eloquent speaker, a nice change from the current president, and I truly hope that he can set the changes into the motion that he wants to make. I think it something that we really need as a society. Many of the people I talk to have started to, if not completely, lost confidence in their government. Some would even go so far as to say it has become a lawful evil society, where the rich only try to find ways, through the legal system, to satisfy their greed for power. I'm not quite that pessimistic yet, in fact, in many ways I am still fairly optimistic about our government.
Reading some of the internation newspapers, and what they had to say about us electing Obama, it sounds like the international community wants us to come back to the table, if you will, and that is a comforting feeling.

Mondo examined my chakras a few days ago, because I had cold feet (he said it might have been a problem with my root chakra), and said that as soon as he did, he said my heart chakra screamed out at him. Makes sense that it is out of wack: with the situation with Kevin, the Corey and Andrew situation (below) and how I feel like I've stagnated. I hope once I start doing something with myself that is more productive that I will start feeling better.

The last thing I want to talk about is the Corey and Andrew situation, and since it is obvious that they still read my journals; I am going to address them directly:
There's a reason I stopped talking to the both of you; a reason I blocked you both. All the two of you want to do is bring me down. There really is no other reason for the two of you to say the things you do. I mean what constructive reason would there be? You only insult me, and Mondo for that sake. It's immature, unnecessary, and unwanted. I don't want to talk to either of you. I won't talk about either of you anymore, and don't expect any messages from me in the near future. Enoy your life of getting high, getting wasted, and yiffing. Have fun supporting yourselves on a Subway paycheck, and having your war with your roommates. I'm done with both of you, and the endless drama that comes with you.

You know what is boring? FAFSA

2008-10-13T02:57:18Z

But, I finally got it filled out today. I think I am going to set up an appointment with an Advisor at MHCC, too. Maybe I'll schedule one for PCC as well. MHCC is closer, but I've been told PCC is better. I figure I am only going to be going there to get some of the pre-reqs out of the way, so MHCC might suffice. Besides, it's really close to Mondo's apartment, so I figure it would be kind of a win-win.

Job turned out to be more temporary than I had thought; but honestly, college is up higher on my priority list than a cell phone. Never know; maybe I'll get lucky and get some financial aid for living expenses. After filling out the FAFSA, I think it would certainly be possible.

Other than that, life's been pretty ordinary. I'm not usually home - hard to be when Mondo doesn't want to share me, heh.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. Maybe I'll update more frequently.

RIP Betty

2008-09-07T20:12:58Z

You will be missed.

My future

2008-08-04T05:40:06Z

My future feels so daunting to me. I cant start to describe the fear that floods my heart when I try to think of it. Well, honestly, thinking about it isn't too bad. What's really scary is when it is staring me in the face. What I'm really scared about is the uncertain. Am I prepared to handle this future of mine? This future that seems so terrifyingly unknown to me? When I think about it rationally, I know I'm being silly. I know that I can handle the uncertain, and just because I get knocked down doesn't mean that I can't pick myself up from it. Yet, I'm still utterly terrified of the unknown. I feel like I want somebody there to hold my hand, but that makes me feel even more pathetic, and guess what, I'm prideful enough that I really want to avoid that, too.

So, I'm stuck where I am. I'm certainly not complaining, I love where I am right now, but the walls of time are closing in. There is impending doom for me, like it or not. So why aren't the possible outcomes scaring me to do something to change the bad for the better? I know what would help, but I'm too afraid to do any of it. Dammit! Why was I born so weak?

Lying on my back, too weak to stand
Watching the world go by - a blur
Feeling the shadows all around me, vultures ready to feed
Looking to the sky, clouds block the sun
Can't I enjoy it just a little while longer?
Grasping, clawing, trying to hold on
A transition
Will I ever have the strength?

And of course, I don't have any kleenex. Damn you Breaking Dawn!

2008-08-04T04:33:42Z

Just finished it today. Mando bought be a copy (bless his soul), yesterday. Until Christina had reminded me earlier yesterday morning, I had forgotten all about it.

I didn't quite know what to expect, honestly. Eclipse didn't have the same feel the other books did; it didn't capture me like Twilight or New Moon. I honestly thought that maybe she had changed her writing style to the point that I wouldn't enjoy her works like I did her first two books. I mean, honestly, I started reading the Host, and it gave me nothing. I have no emotional attachment to the characters, and though the plot is mildly amusing, it hasn't hooked me. I don't think I'll stay stuck on page 67 forever, but I don't know when I'll readdress the book again.

Of course, Breaking Dawn hooked me right away. I found myself hooked so bad that I kind of lost track of time. Glad I decided that I should go to bed when it was about five in the morning. I slept in, let what I had read sink in, grabbed a bite to eat, then dove back in. I just finished it less than a half hour ago.

Without giving away too much of the plot, the story is broken up into three books. The first book is from Bella's point of view, but it transitions over to Jacob's point of the view in the middle of the story (hense the foreshadowing in Eclipse). It's an interesting point of view, honestly, and it has become bearable when Jacob finally chills out. He becomes an integral part of the storyline, especially after a particularly stunning event, which completely caught me off guard. It was an interesting way for Meyer to keep the balance between the main characters; and though I found myself reluctant to accept it at first, I soon realized that Jacob really was the best person for the job. (Yeah, I totally dodged what happened. Go read the book and find out!) And even more shocking, still, the event leading to Jacob's solidifying of being a pivotal part of the Cullen family, also united Rosalie with Bella, and formed a strong bond that will certainly last until the end of time.

Oh, did I reveal something? Ooops.

Of course, even greater is the the ending. The last two pages of the book made me outright cry. What's even better is that I saw Stephanie Meyer's foreshadowing, but I totally didn't expect it in the way she implimented it. Confused yet? Read the damn book!

Home this evening!

2008-07-27T07:19:19Z

So, I figured I would update. Why not?

Been out with friends just about non-stop lately. Hell, even when it's a day that I am planning on being home, another friend of mine asks to hang out. I am enjoying the company quite a bit.

School is right around the corner! Tori and I are going to get signed up for school soon, and I'm very excited for that. I think I may get a job in the meantime, to make sure my phone bill stays paid. Applied to a few jobs at Legacy (Good Sam in downtown) for some housekeeping positions. Excitingness! It'll be nice to have some spending cash. I would really appreciate having a few pairs of clothes. I neeeeed some more clothes. And of course, Tori-chan will be dressing me. I could totally see Cristal and Mando there, too. American Eagle trip!

I was at the Tori's house while she was cleaning with Cristal and I started to read over the 4.0 Monster Manual. Oh yeah, I'm loving the Lichs and Death Knights. I've been brainstorming ideas for a war campaign where the players would go up against a once peaceful country dedicated to the study of magic, and run by a very powerful wizard. There are whispers that the wizard discovered a way to grant eternal life through his search for more powerful magics. The plot thickens quickly, but I don't want to give any more away :)

Man, I get bored easy when I'm not out with friends. At least it's almost Monday! Woot!

I'm glad one of my best friends is a Libra

2008-07-13T07:04:30Z

So, I wake up today to the sounds of Tori banging on Mando and Troy's door. After I found my underwear (:/), and threw some clothes on, she told me that she was stealing me because she wanted to get her haircut. Doesn't take much to convince me to go out with a friend, and the only thing I had planned today was just to go home, anyway, so, what the hay!

We grabbed coffee, then took the MAX to 42nd, and took 75 to Hawthorne Blvd.. Hit her bank, and walked a few blocks to the hair place. Yeah, the place was a slam dunk for Portland Quirky. They even served you a beer if you wanted one (and were of legal age, of course) while you got your hair cut. The guy cutting her hair was so obviously gay, and so naturally Tori and he hit it off great. Gotta love Tori's ability to start a conversation, heh. Had a great time getting her hair cut, and right next door is this little place that serves Coney Island burgers (I forget the name of the place, but it is actually fairly famous locally. All the movers and shakers have eatten there at some time or another). Absolutely divine (:D). I swear that was one of the best damn burgers I've ever had before.

From there we hit the Powell's across the street, but when we decided they didn't have a good enough selection, we caught bus 14 downtown to the City of Books location. Gotta love Powell's!

We grabbed a bunch of astrology books, including a gay specific astrology book, and read all of the information they had about Libras (Tori), Geminis (Brandon), and of course, Cancers (Mando and myself). Two of the books also go over the specific days you were born, and give very detailed information. Astrology facinates me because it seems to fit so well it's kinda freaky (:/). Hell, one of the books even goes over fetishes (even breaking it down to into straight vs. gay lists), yeah, and guess what? Tori knows like almost all of my fetishes now. Of course, I know all of her's too, heh.

For me, a Cancer born on the 25th of June, it describes me as being very introverted at first, but when I get to know the people in the room, I really start to shine (and come out of my metaphorical shell). The advice given to me is take advantage of my sense of humor. It also describes me as intensely loyal, and extremely compassionate. I see the best in people, but I can sometimes glass over the bad parts. I'm also naturally an optimist. For me, I'm also very emotional and intellectual, and when there is balance, I'm a brain that is led by a heart. If there is an imbalance, my emotions will take over. That can be a bad thing, as I can be a bit oversensitive to people and things, and can frequently see a problem as something wrong directly with me. I strive on having the acceptance of people around me, and can sometimes weigh their opinion as stronger than my own.

My home is my inter sanctum. I will keep the fridge well stocked, and will make sure that anybody that comes over to my house is well fed and entertained, making sure to take good care of them. I have to go home to recharge from time to time, and to just relax.

From a relationship perspective, I'm happy when my partner is happy, and thrive off of that. The sex is usually hot (and kinky, too), with me focusing on making the other person feel good. Cancers also seem to switch from the roles of being the "Parent" to being the "Child." As a parent we try to encourage and lead others, making sure to take good care of them. In the child role, we let those around them try to guide us, and in general, are nurtured by those around. These roles probably stem from the Cancers desire to be part of a family dynamic, and though we may not be close to our blood family, we can accept friends around us as family, and will keep them dearly close as such. Cancers with children typically value their children as above just about anything else, and would do anything for them.

Those of you that know me well know that this really hits the hammer on the head. I can think of mutiple examples from my life of just about everything I listed above.

And I'm glad Tori and I did this. She's a Libra, a sign very dedicated to the balance of things, and she could take a very objective view of this stuff. I know I can be objective, too, but I have to have somebody to bounce the ideas off of to do it properly, and so I really appreciate somebody close to me giving me their honest opinion. At the very least, it's just one more unbias opinion to help guide me. That's why I love to talk to Tori, and Mando, too. As Tori says, she speaks fluent gay, and Mando and I think very similarly, so he has insights into my brain that others may not have. It's been really helpful, and I think has really started to clear the path in front of me. I have a much more clear idea of what I want out of life, and love, and everything in between. Now I just need to put a plan in to action, and I think with the support of my friends, I might actually start to get somewhere with my life.

When you build your wings, make them out of bedsheets; a tribute to childhood dreams

2008-07-11T02:02:10Z

I think we take the small things for granted.

I've got a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. I can wake up to the sun rising, and admire it. I've got some of the most amazing, supportive friends in the world. I can go swimming one day with Christina one day, and gossip about boys, and our other weird topics (heh), and the next day, I could be in downtown with Tori and Cristal just walking, having Tori show us the sights, and tell us stories about the city, and her experiences, and later that night, Mando and I are talking about life, and love, and, well, anything under the sun. We'd get up the next day, and just go driving with Dave, maybe run some errands with Dusty and little Xander, hit the shop to game, and watch the story get woven into quite a tale. Then we'd go back to Mando's and sit in the van and talk about anything you could think of until all hours of the night.

You know what I think I like the best? Waking up in the morning with a smile on my face, looking forward to all of the fun I have planned that day. Or seeing Mando's eyes for the first time in a few days (oh do I long for that), when he takes me into his arms like it's the first time, and we kiss softly, stuck in the moment for ages.

I love just putting my headphones on, and walking to the park with Ozzy, dreaming away, without a care in the world, pretending to be dancing away the night, or singing in front of a mic, or posing like a diva for pictures. I just love the feeling of the free flow of thoughts through my mind, no matter the topic. I wish being a student was a job, because I could so do that, hehe.

Mando wrote me some poems last night, and has a song he dedicated to me. He told me that I stole his heart, and he didn't even realize it until I left. I told him, well, I dropped mine when I stole his, and he caught it before it even touched the ground.

What's great is when I said that he could keep it, but he had to take care of it, he pretended to throw it in the trash. I said, "Hey, at least let Gir play with it first," and he replied with a, "That dire rat isn't going to get anywhere near this thing!" and sighed, realizing that he just put a big hole in his little act, heh. We joked about how Gir would probably just pee on it if he gave it to him. This is so us, taking something cute, and making it hilarious.

We had a long talk about my dreams and ambitions the other day. It had started with me upset about something somebody said to me, and so I went off about how I am, and how I think for at least a half hour, and probably a lot longer than that. And he told me what he felt about everything I said, making some very good points, and he was very realistic. I love his and Tori's blunt honesty. It's very refreshing.

He's entirely right when he says being apart is very bitter sweet. It's good because it makes looking into his eyes and amazing feeling that I would love to experience every day of my life, but it's very bitter because I miss him so dearly when we're apart. I guess it just makes me cherish the time we have together even more, and that is something I'm perfectly okay with.

Muddy fox!

2008-07-07T01:30:19Z

As friends of mine could probably guess from the title (when it involves mud, I went riding), I well, went riding! Oh, you haven't experienced life until you are speeding down the road, breathing in the clean air, hearing the purr of your engine. I get into this state of instinct, where I don't have to think to act, I just follow the road, and my mind is clear to think as it wishes.

That's why I like to ride. It's like a mental reset button, that sweeps up all of the crap that I've been worrying about, and it throws it out the window. Besides, it's just plain fun. I certainly get a 'runner's high' when I'm out riding, and pushing my machine, and seeing what it can do, it's just plain fun. Then, of course, there is always the mud.

Doing cookies in a mud puddle that is at least six inches deep, throwing a wall of mud everywhere I go, that is at least ten feet high, has got to be one of the most satisfying things I can do on my bike. Letting the bike spin and slide, and hearing that purr. It's great. Almost as great is finding the playground, and going over the little mini dunes, and around the bends, and still managing to throw the bike around, and spin circles. It feels so great to just forget my worries, and just ride.

And now I'm home, more sore than before (and I'm so gonna be worse in the morning), and I am craving a cuddle. I think I might ask Mando if I can come over this evening.

Good weekend!

Awesome Fourth of July!

2008-07-06T06:12:09Z

It started out basically like any other Fourth. The family picnic is held in a park in Camas, Washington (not the most glamorous town around). Got there, waited for other people to show up, then ate some pretty good food. Sat around for a bit, digesting, then went swimming for the first time in a long time. The pool was cold, and dirty; there was debris from the trees in it. Yuck. Softball was fun, however. Played hard, and had a pretty good time. It took forever to leave, I blame Michael and his girlfriend, but that's when the real fun started.

Went over to Mando's for a bit, he finished getting ready, and we went over to Tori-chan's. He and Cristal played Guitar Hero 3 for a bit, we gathered everything, and then we headed downtown. Tori, Brandon, Sheryl, Troy, Cristal, Nurse Chris and his boyfriend, Mando and I shared a blanket, and watched the fireworks on the Waterfront. I got to cuddle with Mando; he held me just perfect, and the show was great too, though it was a bit short-lived. And so when it concluded, all of us headed back to the cars in the parking garage, only to find out, well, we weren't getting out of there any time soon. So, we went to "The Backslash," a cool little gamer cafe in Old Town next door to a(n overpriced) Japanese import store. They all played pool (I sat out because I don't play very well), and I had a great chat with Cristal, while teasing Mando about his pool playing (he later complained that Cristal makes me fiesty :P). After about an hour we decided to head back, singing random songs, with Mando and Tori doing this funny walking. It made me laugh. Not only that, but the Portland night life is really funny. We even passed a guy that randomly threw a trash can on the ground. We joked about all of the different things the trash can did to tick him off.

What was great was that the parking garage hadn't cleared out yet! It was really funny, because there was still a line on the eighth floor! We just decided to hang out in the garage until it cleared. Mando and Tori decided to ballroom dance (so jealous! He's a great dancer!), Tori taught him the Salsa, and he showed her some very nice flourishes of another dance. It reminded me of that one that I used to do with Alicia, Sara and Daniel. I told Cristal of how we actually all got to dance for our Junior Year Prom, and how everybody stopped to watch us all. Daniel and Sara did the best-- mostly because I'm not a very strong leader in dancing :/ . Cristal and I also made some jokes, and at one point pretended that we were stuck in a box; one I magically extended into an apartment in the parking garage. Then I got out, and repackaged her into a tiny box and threw her in the trunk of her car with the imaginary corpse of a friend of her's, Tim (:P she said the thump in her trunk when she cornered was him).

We eventually left, and Cristal graced Mando and I with the 'dark wave' genre of music (it honestly made me think of the blood raves they had in Blade), and I must say, that, well, I'm going to pirate her music collection. To top it off, she drives fast, and knows how to make her car perform. Mmmm, I kept saying, "Yes!" as if I was having sex, I later realized. I think her driving was just about to give me an orgasm :/ (:P).

After that, we went back to Tori's, where Mando and Cristal beat Guitar Hero 3 (for Cristal's first time), and then the three of us chatted about a mutitude of subjects, until about four in the morning. Mando and I headed back to his place, chatted a bit more, then fell asleep cuddling (oh, it was great).

Today I woke up at about 1:30 PM or so, spent some time with Mando and Troy, idle chit chatting, mostly about various equipment on WoW, then I headed home about 2:30 PM. I was (and am) super sore from the day before, but I walked my dog, ran some errands with my mom, and got to work on my quad. Changed the air filter, and spark plug (she runs great again!). We're going riding all day tomorrow, and I'm really excited. It's been a long time, but I can't wait to smell the clean air, to hear my engine purr, and to have my mind clearer than it has been in awhile. I'm stoked, and I must say, this has been a great weekend so far!

I'm also really excited to go swimming with Christina on Monday, if she is up for it, and Mando's game. I get to play a half vampire, and I'm very excited about it. Let me just say you don't want to get this guy close enough to let him grapple him. He'll pwn your ass. :P

*deep breath* Now that was a mouth full! Hope everybody else had a good Fourth, too!

Wow, being home has got to be the most boring thing ever.

2008-06-19T21:35:32Z

So, I'm sitting at home doing basically nothing. I'm listening to music, kinda Myspacing, and posting a LiveJournal because I haven't in awhile, provided my computer doesn't crash while this thing is in the making. Speaking of which, it turns out my problem with my computer (which I think has been a problem for a long time) is because of corrupted memory. That's what I get for mixing two different brands. So, for my birthday, my parents bought me new stuff. Corsair memory, which I hear is really good, and it's got a higher bus speed, as well as a little bit more. Was running 1.5 gigs before, now will be running 2 gigs. I'll be crash free before 4:30 PM, Monday the 23rd, when FedEx delivers the goods.

And I got Mando his birthday present. Hey, guess what it was? Memory for his computer! Heh. He needed it to play a game, and has been using, his roommate, Troy's computer lately. I got him upgraded to Win XP, and he should get his memory soon (bought it two days ago, and it was shipped USPS from California. Hopefully wont take long!). He said he was also gonna buy a new video card, with my recommendation, so we might be taking a trip up to Best Buy tomorrow afternoon. Gotta love upgrading computers!

Sara's dad passed away not too long ago. The funeral was on Tuesday. We also visited Alicia's dad who was in the hospital at the time for heart problems. My poor friends. I really hope everything goes well for them. Sara said that she and I should go out to lunch, and I'd like that, though she is going to take a week or two to get things straightened up at home. Makes sense. Before the funeral, I hadn't seen her since last year. I really do want to catch up, pretty bad.

I went out to The Roxy two nights ago with Tori and Cristal. I already knew Tori was a blast, and Cristal is really fun, too. Not to mention, guess who was the server for us? To those of you that I've gone to RHPS with, remember that guy with the crazy facial expressions? The kinda square face that was really defined. His name is Chris. He told us how when he first went to the RHPS he puked up his innocence in the women's restroom? Yeah, he served us. That was really fun, and totally made sense given the quirkiness of The Roxy. We also went to Pioneer Courthouse Square, and Tori gave us a quick history of the square, and we sat on the waterfall. She's right. It really does drown out all of the sound, and would be a perfect place to sit and think.

Went to Mando's and we just talked for a few hours. He says that his sheets have started to smell like me, and that it makes him sad when he has to wash them. Even when I'm not there, I wake up when it's time for him to go to work. I stayed at his place for the afternoon, and had lunch with him. Then I went home right after my dad got home, and we celebrated his birthday.

I want to go over to Mando's tonight. I already miss him pretty bad, and home life is really not very entertaining. Besides, if I spend the night tonight, then I can go over and bother Tori during the day while Mando is at work, and/or use Troy's computer to level my character. Not a bad idea. Well, either way, I'm gonna get cleaned up and take the puppers for a walk. Hasta luego!

Dreams are angels' tears - beautiful and poetic

2008-06-09T06:57:01Z

Whenever I'm alone, I think about myself; my dreams, my needs, and my wants. Not only that, I think about my deepest feelings, and I also usually end up comparing myself to the world around me.

Lately I've been with friends almost non-stop, and I'm loving it to death. My fun side is really coming out, and I've become a lot more extroverted, as of late. The homebody Chris seems to have all but disappeared; in fact, I feel almost claustrophobic when I'm home. 'Course, I know that I do need my alone time; that's when I think the best, and so I can scheme better when I do get my Me Time. Like now, when I should be trying to sleep, because I aim at getting up at like eight am tomorrow, instead of blogging.

I'm seriously considering singing lessons. Why? I sing when I'm depressed, or sad, or even happy. I sing all the time, and it doesn't matter how I feel, because when I'm done singing, I'm happy and smiling. My heart is light, and I'm ready for whatever my day has to throw at me. I seriously don't know what I'd do without my MP3 player and a good walk now-a-days. Probably kill something. And that's not socially acceptable.

I'm also getting random bursts of the desire to write. It seems like I get it a lot, but it also seems like it is gone before I can make any real use of it, too. I don't know even what I'd write, or if I'd ever even finish it. Besides, I've always been really critical of my works, so I doubt it would get far.

And, like always, I have the urge to draw. To take all of the pictures in my mind, the stories of shapes and colors that I have, and to turn them into something tangible, something real out of the imaginary.

So that's me, a jumbled mess of pictures, and stories, and music. This creature of logic. It's almost kind of silly, or humorous.

Does your strength, your inspiration, does it have a tangible form? I think this was inspired by a book by Joanne Bertin, but, I think of my strength as a phoenix. This golden, fiery phoenix. Only, it's trapped in a cage.

And I used to think that the key to this cage was through my heart. That I'd meet a boy that would just come along with a key, and go, "Oh! This is yours!" and unlock it for me.

But now I'm not so sure. I don't know if somebody else has the key, or if I do, and don't know I do, or maybe I lost it. So, all I get are the occasional bursts of inspiration and drive, almost as if the phoenix is molting, and I'm just getting the feathers that fall through the cage bars.

It makes me really lack focus, which is something I've known about for a while, and more than one person has told me this. But I know there is this phoenix inside of me, and I want to let it out.

I want my phoenix to give me strength to help other people. I've always wanted to help people. And so maybe that's why becoming a doctor sounds so appealing to me. I just hope that I find that key soon, because I'm getting tired of this lack of drive.

Will you help me find my key?

Moving on

2008-05-26T06:48:49Z

It's time to start moving on. I finally went to the apartment and got all of my stuff today. I had been feeling bad about thinking of picking up my TV and router, but then I started thinking about it:

Corey still just sits home and plays Halo 3. He's made very little attempt at getting a job, though he says he's applied to a few places, you'd think he would have had a job, or put in a lot more applications. He says the reason he hasn't is because Andrew's been over. Ooookay, then tell him to go home for a day so you can apply. I don't think Corey even truly has another place to live lined up to live. He really needs to some things done, and he just hasn't yet.

I mean, it seems like the only lime he wants to talk to me is about giving him money, or something to that effect. I'm not his boyfriend anymore. I am not going to hand him the world on a plate anymore. I'm his friend, though, regardless of how he feels. And I'm sorry that I have to be tough, but it's what's needed. So if he feels that I'm this evil person that is just another person apparently out to get him, then fine. Unfortunately, I just don't have any energy for that kind of stuff any more.

Old friends and good times

2008-05-22T07:53:33Z

I spent this evening with Alicia and Daniel, and it was great. At first it was just Alicia and I; we went to Panda Express (well, she ran across the street and got Coldstone) with some money I had lent my parents (they didn't give me all that I owed them, just a few bucks for dinner) , and we had this great conversation. She summed up the last few months for herself, and we went into detail, talking about everything, including sex, which was really funny because we were sitting right next to other people.

Then we headed back to my place to wait for Daniel, and we took his car out to Gateway Fred Meyer (we were going to go to Ms. Harding's house, but she had stuff going on), and just wandered around looking at stuff (and throwing it at each other). Later we just got back in the car and drove back to my place where we sat in Daniel's car and just talked for hours about friends, and relationships, and everything.

It was great to see Alicia again, I really missed her. Having her in Denver is like having my sister from another mister in a different place. And, of course, it's fun to hang out with Daniel, too, because we've been friends for, like, ever. You should have seen me around Alicia though, I was getting really flamed out; that makes me giggle. She kept telling me and Daniel to go to this website called Connexions.com. Hmm, maybe sometime, but I dunno.

We talked about all of the clubs in Denver, and it makes me kinda want to rave. The thought of being half naked next to a room of dancing men sounds very entertaining :) Maybe someday, when I'm confident about my half naked body in public, heh.

Night, all, have a doctor's apt tomorrow, bright and early!

Emptiness

2008-05-18T08:52:32Z

That's what it feels like right now. Just emptiness. It's not usually this bad, but right now, I just feel empty. Goddamn I want to be held right now. So bad. I don't like feeling like this - it's so horrible. I want to feel alive, and full, and happy. So why am I awake at 1:47 AM posting on LJ about how empty I feel? Why do I have to feel so empty..? I just, I just want to be happy, and I'm trying so hard to just be happy. I'm trying, but it doesn't seem like enough.

Kazuma is confusing the hell out of me. When we talk in messenger, he's all like "Oh, I miss you" and "When are you coming over to the apartment" so that he can see me. And then he goes and posts stuff like "I don't understand how someone could throw all of that away," and "you show someone love...then they stab you in the fucking back with a 1 foot blade T_T FUCK!!!" I think if he truly wanted to be my friend he wouldn't say stuff like that. Or would have stopped when I first asked him.

I'm starting to feel really really drained. Like I'm just a puddle going down a drain. And damn it sucks. I need a vacation so bad it burns. I'm ready to start feeling happy again.

I'm such a prick.

2008-05-16T22:41:56Z

Might as well admit it. I'm a prick. I've been really bitchy lately, and it's not cool. The only time I'm either not sad, or bitchy, is when I have a constant distraction. I'm starting to get sick of myself, honestly. That's pretty sad isn't it? Getting sick of yourself. I keep trying to feel better, but it doesn't feel like I'm getting very far. Trying to spend time with friends, trying to distract myself, but I'm doing a piss-poor excuse of a job. I've been more vulgar, more sadistic, and just generally bitchy and snappy. That's so not me. I really don't want to feel like this anymore, and I feel like I'm going to end up pushing everybody away. Go Chris! You're really doing a good job at handling youself. Way to be a complete jackass to the man you've been in love with for over a year.

I'm so messed up inside. I don't even know what emotions I'm feeling anymore. It's just blah and urgh. Or blahurgh. Guess that's a good way to describe it. I feel like I just need to be sedated for awhile. Or I need to get shot. Not fatally, maybe just a flesh wound. Take a chunk outta my arm or something. That'd teach me for being an asshole. Wow, I literally just laughed at the idea of being shot in the arm.

I need to cuddle something...

My parents' house

2008-05-14T04:45:44Z

If you couldn't guess from the title of the blog, yes, I'm living with my parents again. To say it's been a depressing week would be an understatement.

*Sigh* I'm ready to stop hurting, but I know the pain isn't going to disappear. I've been trying to heal; trying to spend time with friends, and trying to talk about my situation, to get everything off my chest. My mom recommended (as well as my boss) that I see a doctor. My mom is going to set up an appointment tomorrow for one. I have a feeling they'll put me on anti-depressants, and though I don't think I need them, maybe they'll help. At this point, anything is worth a try.

I've been really down at work, and my work is starting to suffer. I'm not pulling my weight, and that's bad. Maybe I just hate my job, or maybe I just am really down. A little scared I might lose my position because of it.

Carol's gonna put in notice for the apartment, and I'm worried about where Corey is gonna live. I'm gonna help out with the bills until the end of the lease, and groceries, but I can only help out so much. Sounds like he may move in with Zanne again. If he helped around the house, and whatnot, or got a job and paid a little rent, I don't think he would feel like such a burden, and it would keep him busy, at the very least. Besides, that close to Clackamas Town Center, if he were to have a job, he and Zanney-poo could have regular shopping trips, heh. Those are always fun :)

Well, I've vented some more. I figure I'll be posting fairly regularly on this thing for now at least-- it's good for me to let it out.

Update!

2008-05-11T23:16:24Z

Gosh, it's been forever since I last updated! Sorry to all of my adoring fans! ('Cause this thing is really read :P)

The biggest thing going on in my life right now is the end of my relationship to Corey. After a year and a few months of dating him, I broke up with him. After listing off all of the reasons why, he's actually asked for them again, which only makes me think that he didn't bother to pay attention to me when I first said them:

1. I didn't feel that he was supporting me. He made very little effort to get a job, and so I handed everything to him. Not only financially though-- around the house he would vacuum and pick up, sure, and do the laundry (but never put it away) but heaven forbid the bathroom and dishes, you know, the stuff that doesn't take more than ten minutes, or putting the laundry in a machine, and adding soap. And he would get mad at me, who spends 40 hours a week to pay for the Internet and electricity so that he could sit and play Halo 3 all day.

2. The polygamy. I really don't like polygamy. Threesomes are one thing, full out polygamy is another. First he wants a polygamous relationship with a friend from Tulsa, OK, and then he wanted one with a fur here in Oregon. In fact, the two of them had sex together without me, against my wishes. If that isn't cheating, I don't know what is.

3. I was starting to think he was using me. Because he never supported me, and I was always pouring everything I had into the relationship. I mean, I came into the relationship trying to save him, and I drained myself of everything I had. There wasn't anything left for me, and I'm not wanting to compromise anymore, or live for other people, when I should be trying to figure out what I want for myself.

4. The weed. Weed sucks. For any of you out there that smoke weed; I'm sorry but I'll never approve of it. I've tried it (so don't try to say I don't know what I'm talking about). Twice. And I hated it. It freaked me the fuck out. It's a waste of money, and only makes you lazy and hungry. I hated when Corey was stoned, and I could always tell when he was. And apparently, after talking to my mom, she found out that he was smoking when we lived with her. I was under the impression that he was clean at the time, but apparently not.

5. I didn't feel that he was driven. No job, no school (got expelled for bringing a knife to a football game at school, and was apparently showing it to somebody), and I want somebody that can stand on their own two feet. I want somebody who wont take the bus money and use it to buy "one last dub of weed." Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, the last time you said you'd quit! Yeah, he says that was his last time, and that he was gonna sell his pipe and bong and buy a bus pass with that. Yeah, the person that was gonna buy it fell through? Why? He's a stoner. Surprise surprise! So now, not only will you fail the pee test, you'll have no way to get there to take the damn thing!

6. I wasn't happy. I always felt like my life was constant drama. Heaven forbid, for example, I had friends he didn't like. Fuck, I don't like his stoner friends. I let him have a fucking weed party for New Years! A fucking weed party! I didn't get my New Years kiss because I didn't want to taste the weed on his breath; it disgusts me.

I don't want to live like this anymore. At all. I want to be happy, and I want to spend time with my friends, and to live my life. I don't want to be tied down by something that I feel like is using me, who gives nothing back to the relationship. I want somebody who can stand on their own two feet. Somebody that can take care of themselves. Someone who compliments by strengths. I don't want to have to rely on somebody, or be relied on. We need to compliment each other, and build a house on an already sturdy foundation.

I love you Corey, I really do, but I don't want to be used anymore. I don't want to have to worry about trying to make you happy, or trying to prevent you from committing suicide. You need to stand on your own two feet. You need to go to school, and if you want to live on your own without the help of other people-- you need to get a job. I'm tried of sacrificing myself for someone else-- I want to be happy.

Even the worst nightmare only lasts two to three seconds

2008-03-21T17:00:59Z

I'm stuck at home with a stomach ache. I'm not really complaining, just wish it didn't hurt. I think it's cause I didn't get a dose of Corey last night. He spent the night at a friend's, and so I didn't get to see him when I got home.

Is that sad, or cute, that I get a tummy ache when I don't see Corey? I think I am hopelessly attached to you Corey. Sorry, guess you're stuck with me.

I volunteered to help out in the Pride Parade. That is the Gay Pride Parade in Portland, and you totally should too! Corey'll be holding up the banner at the head of the Parade, and I'll be more behind the scenes (because I'm not a big crowd kind of guy). Pat from work (who's the Treasurer) wanted me to sign peopled in because he wanted to see everybody hit on me. Peggy, another co-worker of mine, agrees, she thinks it would be funny. Hey Tori-chan, I want a cute outfit for Pride, so we totally need to set a date!

Now I'm going to try to eat some ramen, and watch some Naruto, which might tie me over until I get a dose of Corey-kun tonight.

If only we could jump, and have the wind carry us to our dreams

2008-03-12T06:52:50Z

Corey's on the 360 right now, playing Halo 3 in a tournament, he's trying to win us 50,000. He says he's gonna be playing for awhile. I have a feeling that I may be going to bed alone at first, and will have to sleep through the sounds of slaughter coming from the TV, for at least the next few days (the tournament ends on the 17th).

Kazuma wants to spend the night Friday. It's gonna be a fun evening, me thinks. I've never met another furry besides Corey in real life, so it's gonna be quite fun. Gotta brush up on my foxish! Yarf!

I've been talking to Daniel on Myspace for a bit, and it looks like he might be getting a role in "Twilight," too. That's exciting. I'll be able to say, "Yip! My boyfriend and one of my best friends is in a movie!"

All Time Low is officially awesome, further confirming my boyfriend's good taste in music. I'm so gonna go, "Ha! Just made a copy of the music and added it to my MP3 player! Muahahaha!" I'm so ninja. :P

Well, don't have a whole lot else to say. See 'ya later!